I LET THEM. NOW WHAT?

Everyone’s saying “let them.”
It makes sense. So I let them.

Then there I was.
What was I supposed to do now?

Other people get to make their own choices. I get it.
But nobody explained this to the part of me
that needed to know exactly what they were doing.

With my ex-husband, I could decide to let him at breakfast
and be checking the phone by lunch.
Rehearsing the conversation.
Sending one more text.

Apparently, the surveillance department
never got my two weeks’ notice.

Where he was.
Who he was with.
What time he got home.

I knew his schedule better than my own.

And there were reasons.
Some real. Some from the past. Some my head supplied.

I called it caring.
I called it protecting myself.

I thought if I knew enough,
I could prevent myself from getting hurt.

So much of my life was spent trying to avoid pain.
It was exhausting.
But I was used to it.

Then I let him.

I thought when I let him,
I’d feel better.

I was used to managing chaos.
Checking, anticipating, trying to keep things from happening.
I knew how to manage that.

Without all that activity,
I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I had let him.
My head had not.

MY MIND FILLED IN THE GAPS.

Minds do that.
Missing information? Sometimes we make it up.

There were plenty of gaps.
My head was happy to help.

Some of my concerns were real.
That didn’t make everything I imagined real.

But it felt real enough to ruin my day.

I had been living in this pattern for years.

Checking.
Managing.
Unknowingly making decisions based on fear.

Stopping the checking
didn’t stop the conversations in my head.

Still trying to manage the outcome.

I was exhausted.
And I had to stop lying to myself.

What did I really know?
What was my head adding?
What was my part?
What was I willing to live with?

That last question was uncomfortable.
I was already living with things
I wasn’t willing to live with.

Oh.

I had been so busy keeping track
that I’d ignored that fairly important detail.

No matter what I said,
he was going to do what he was going to do.

Knowing every detail
wouldn’t give me control over it.

I could only control myself.

I don’t even get to control my thoughts.
Clearly.

But I can choose
what I accept.
How I react.
What I participate in.
And what I do next.

Maybe there’s a reason to check.
Doesn’t mean I have to spend my life doing it.

But now what?

More work?
More exercise?
Cleaning?
New friends?

I didn’t have a hobby.
This WAS my hobby.

Some people do puzzles.
I kept track of my husband.

Someone telling me
“do something you enjoy”
wasn’t particularly helpful.

I didn’t want to do anything else.
I wanted to know what he was doing.

That was the problem.

Eventually, I found yin yoga.
The kind where you lie on the floor in candlelight
and spend an hour in shavasana.

Finally.
A class I could attend horizontally.

It didn’t fix my life.
But it gave my mind a break.
An hour spent doing something for me.

That’s what I started doing:

One thing a day for me.
My main goal for the day.
The thing I planned everything else around.

I stopped letting my own life pass me by.
The one I ACTUALLY get to live.

I kept letting him.
Over and over.

Gradually, I started recognizing the pattern sooner.

Sometimes I caught myself before I checked.
Sometimes after.
Sometimes halfway through an imaginary argument.

An argument I was winning, obviously.

Then I let him again.

My ex-husband is one example.
I have others. Of course I do.

I let them for a while.
Then I find myself back at it.

Ohhh. This again.

The Antiwhelm Move

Slow down.
Become aware.
See the pattern.

Checking again?
Replaying a conversation?
Preparing an argument nobody else knows you’re having?

Does anything need to happen now?

If it does, do what’s in your control.
Otherwise, leave it alone.

Even writing that, I’m thinking:
Okay. Good luck.

It takes practice.

Then do one thing for you.
If nothing comes to mind, try something new.

You don’t need to find your passion by Thursday.

The surveillance department can manage without you.
It’s mostly you anyway.